Before The Rainbow Bridge

2013💕

Today we learned that our days are numbered with my sweet, sweet Savi girl. The X-rays manifested my fears into reality as they showed us just how bad things were progressing. This is one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make, but I know it’s one that’s necessary, no matter how much it hurts. I walked into the vet today knowing in my gut that things were bad, but somehow it didn’t make it any easier to hear the harsh reality that our time together on this earth was coming to an end. The rainbow bridge is calling her home.

Savi would be turning 13 years old this June- she’s my very favorite old lady. To be exact, she would be 91 in dog years and that’s pretty ancient. Savi has been around for 13 of the 14 years I’ve been with my husband. We literally grew up together. Come to think of it, she’s been around for so many big moments that it’s difficult to think of a world where she isn’t in it.

Savi is short for Savannah. B’s grandma named her and loved her for a year before she became too much to take care of. There were too many close calls of her running out onto a busy road where she easily could have been hurt or much much worse. It seemed like there was nothing she loved more than giving us all a heart attack as we chased her around neighborhoods, up and down hills, and frantically along busy roads. I can’t help but laugh as I think about the irony when I let her run free in my front yard- or anywhere really, knowing she’ll come back to me whenever I call her name.

As I reflect back on our time together I think about how much we’ve been through and how much has changed. All of life’s big moments were spent with her by my side… through tears, smiles and heartbreak, moving out of my childhood home, my first apartment, graduating college, my first house, getting engaged, getting married… I always hoped she’d be around for my first child but maybe that spot will forever be reserved by her.

We plan to spend these next few days doing all of her favorite things (without getting her too worked up) and spoiling her rotten. Too many treats? Not possible. Too many back scratches and belly rubs? Not a thing. Sometimes I catch myself getting upset as I look at her and think about her not being there, but I don’t want her to feel or sense my sadness. So I force a smile and laugh as I think about how much joy she has brought to my life. Then the smile isn’t so forced anymore.

I think about when she’d drag her basket of toys across our entire apartment, when she’d go crazy over balloons and when I say crazy, I mean she’d absolutely lose her mind. I think about how much she loved kids and how sweet she was to my nieces and nephews. I think about how people always thought she was a puppy, even at the age of 12 because of how tiny she is. I think about her Christmas PJ’s and the sweaters and coats we’d put on her to keep her warm in the winter. I think about the way she’d kick her little leg when we gave her back or belly scratches or how many ridiculous Halloween costumes and clothes she’d let me dress her in. I think about how picky she is with treats- I mean the girl only ever eats meat or cheese. She made keto cool before it was a thing. What a trend setter.

In the midst of so much heaviness in my life, this is really the last thing I needed. But I know that the universe works in mysterious ways. Perhaps the universe thought I could spend more time with her during her last days. Or maybe it believed that it would be too much to bear during any other time. Either way, it doesn’t make the inevitable goodbye any easier.

To be honest I’m not sure what would have been worse… a sudden goodbye or choosing when we have our last moments together. My heart is breaking every time I look at her, but it also gives me a sense of peace when I think about how she won’t be suffering any longer. I can’t help but ask myself… is it too soon? Should we have tried something else? Is she in pain? What will I do without her? I have so many questions and so many feelings. But I know in my heart that this is the time no matter how much it breaks me.

Here’s to our last days and hours together before you cross the rainbow bridge, Savi. I love you more than words or a slice could ever express. I hope you know how much I love you now and forever more.

This piece is part of the #SOL24
March Slice of Life Story Challenge
hosted by the Two Writing Teachers